anyways…

Steph’s web sites are contagious (happy-and-free.blogspot.com and ordinarylifemagic.blogspot.com). Their magic is easily recognizable. The incantations we wish were spoken in our youth is plain for all to see. The spells of our young and tender years - some of which were never spun, others were - she lives those. Some charms go wrong, and she’s not afraid to share those failings. Happiness, freedom, ordinary, life, magic - all words we like to hear, but somehow are forgotten in much of our daily routine - are regularly resounded. A rhythm beats on of love, experience, magic, dreams, discovery and cherishing every solid second that whispers on … otherwise lost and unnoticed. Thank you, Stephanie, for your web site. Stephanie is Kim’s sister. I want to be more than just the husband of her sister … maybe I can earn the title of brother-in-law. I want to get to know her and her family more … and these sites just do it beyond measure. What I get about Stephanie is that she has a truthful, mysterious, yet blatant personality - tempered with an awe for life, love and youth. I hope she doesn’t mind me saying so, but she has had a mixed life of happiness and pain, which Steph has worked with rather than against. I learn from her to experience the moment, good or bad - maybe not even naming it thus, and then on the other side of that moment is a new discovery and behind you is another morsel of wisdom and a diamond to bejewel your personal collection of life-breath. The miracle of her mothering shows a reverence for new life, one that deserves genuflection.

I often think of the album by Celine Dion, Miracle. So much of what Stephanie talks about can be sung in this album. One of the songs, in particular, I want to share. I want to be the kind of parent who, when any of my children need me, they can, "Come to Me."

To my children, I say:

I will always love you
no matter what 
no matter where you go
or what you do
knowing you
you gonna have to do things your own way
and that’s okay    < to my caleb >
so be free
spread your wings
and promise me 
just one thing
(chorus)
if you ever need a place to cry
baby come to me
come to me
I’ve always known that you were born to fly
but you can come to me
if the world breaks your heart
no matter where on earth you are
you can come to me

There’s so much more to Celine’s song, but instead of me telling you about it all, listen to it. There so much magic you can hear … don’t just read it. I am enchanted by the power of music, and this piece is no different. I really want to be better - and feel egged-on by music like this and sites like Steph’s. My children’s wings are so very tender. If I mishandle them in any way, the damage I could render may last longer than I want - or longer than they want.

Lately, I’ve been admiring how Kim loves the children. We have a long way to go as a pair to be superb parents, but Kim has such a gift with the children. She genuinely loves them. They can share with her. She knows the kids and can analyze their needs, problems and solutions. Many times, she can spout off a factored-down, simple answer to a previously believed complex blue-print.

This summer has been odd. In some ways, par for the course (you know, the #@$!% job issue), in other ways I have become awakened to a few things. For one, Kim has been without me for far too long. I am a nursing student. Nursing school shouldn’t be this difficult, taxing or demanding - but it is. And it’s a strain on me, our relationship and the children. I felt a pang of fear and regret as I learned that becoming an L.P.N. isn’t so bullet-proof in the eyes of job security. Will becoming an R.N. be better? When I am a registered nurse, will it be this hard to get and keep a job? I worked damned hard to get here and this summer has been a bit disappointing. Kim’s sacrificed so much. In 2005, the disappointment of CMMC’s School of Nursing was almost too much to bear. I learned too much. From then ’til now, I’ve been unavailable. I couldn’t go fishing or enjoy time with my kids, myself and especially, my wife. Being too busy for her and my kids is very very difficult. It takes the magic out of raising my children. When I am always thinking about the next test or worrying about pleasing my moody clinical instructor … when I am too busy getting money or worrying about money … when I am too busy chasing down household repairs and car issues … it’s then when I can’t watch as my children’s tender wings unfold. I ignore it, because the test is tomorrow at 0800, and if I get below a 70, then my overall grade average will suffer - will they pass me for the year? Will I have to take this hellish year over again? I ignore their wings. I sometimes try to make them into something I need them to be, instead of just, who they are. Then when I do pass and the semester’s over, I realize what I missed. Now that I’ve had time to mull it over, nursing school stinks. It is too demanding and it doesn’t need to be this way. There must be another way. But alas, it isn’t another way right now. I will take this next year in a bit of a different light. My declaration is this: I will study hard, work hard, play hard, think hard, pray hard and I will not GET hardened. I will find the time to speak words to my children like, "Spread your wings," and "Come to me."

I look forward to discovering with Kim just how to do that. I look forward to reading Steph’s blogs regularly. I look forward to sharing with you. I look forward to being an awesome friend, father, lover and son. I look forward to being a R.N. I look forward to getting sleep at night. I look forward to watching as their tender wings unfold.